I don't wanna be a player no more

So here we are...6 weeks since my last post.

Where can I even begin? Things have changed quite a bit in the past month or so.

Most notably...I have a boyfriend.
(Pause for reaction)




When you least expect it, things can happen. It seems strange to say that someone who was online dating wasn't "looking" for a relationship...but in many ways I really didn't expect to find someone I clicked with. Amongst the Vegetarian, Jersey, V.I.P., and "I want to talk about my feelings" guy, I was pretty convinced that online dating would be an experiment at best.

And when my guard was down...BAM! I met someone who has actually made this entire experience worthwhile. As open as I am about my thoughts and opinions, I do believe that some things should remain private---so I won't go into extensive detail, except to say that its been a long time since I've felt this way and I'm very happy.


So I felt like I owed it to the "Summer Online Dating Experiment" to wrap it up.

Things I've Learned:
1. Meeting the right person is more important than HOW you meet them
2. Honesty (with others and yourself) is always the best policy
3. Online dating or not, the right connection still creates the "spark" and feels natural
4. You need to experience bad dates to appreciate good sometimes
5. The only way to get what you want is to be truthful with yourself and others about where you stand and jump in head first. Fear is not an option.


Maybe the creeper in the bar did me a favor. Without the utter frustration of that situation, I would never have started this "experiment"...which ultimately led me to find a person I never would have met without online dating. And although I will continue to make fun of eHarmony (because its just funny, those commercials with the look alike couples and "everlasting love" playing in the background), and its "29 dimensions of compatibility", I think in this case, the joke is on anyone who is unwilling to try new things to get what they want out of life.


So I guess the experiment was a success, though not in the way I expected. But sometimes life serves you up a surprise, and its especially sweet.

Talking about my "feelings"

My apologies for a lapse in blogging. Spent the weekend enjoying some family togetherness and bonding on the Cape. Cousin-Fest 2010 was EPIC!!! I'm very happy today.

And my cousins definitely have some opinions. I let them see the online profiles I have on these dating websites and I've read some of the text messages/emails/communication that I've had recently. I've really enjoyed hearing what they have to say...


Recent Scenario: Guy I met on eHarmony has been texting me. This is standard operating procedure, especially recently, since I've got a handful of random men sending me messages. This guy seems normal enough, maybe a bit intense with his desire to be in love. I figured I'd give him a chance, because I'm doing my best to be open...I asked him what his idea of the ideal date would be...

His response...

Was dinner and a walk on the beach. (Normal so far...)

"Then we would sit down and look into each other's eyes and talk about how we're feeling."



THAT IS LEGITIMATELY WHAT THIS GUY TEXTED TO ME.

I said my ideal date would be mini-golfing and the beach!


I mean, I'm all for romance. I think that people find themselves feeling romantic while sitting on beaches frequently enough. But rarely do they say to each other beforehand, "Let's go to the beach and talk about how we're feeling."


A few words that would describe how I'm feeling right now...

Uncomfortable.



Nauseated.




Repulsed.


And I actually feel badly now to be honest. This guy is obviously into me, but I can't pretend to be into this shit. Talking about my feelings on a beach does not sound like my idea of a good time. Bowling? Sure. Dinner? Absolutely. Staring into someone's eyes on a beach? Not so much.

My response was..."wow. You are romantic, huh?"
What else could I say? What I wanted to say was, "That was fucking weird."



So anyway, I've enjoyed getting my family's opinions on this.

Mike thinks maybe this guy doesn't realize that I'm not really interested.

He says that because I continue to respond to the text messages, he assumes that I'm into it. I'm trying to be polite.


Jeff thinks that my disinterested text messages actually come off as coy...

This guy says "Hey you." and 2 hours later I text back, "Hi"
Is that coy? Or just disinterested? P.S. who writes "hey you" to someone they've never met in real life?


Mallory thinks that its ok for me to talk to guys that are a little younger than me.

That's probably because Mallory is dating a hot younger guy who she really likes. I have a date with a younger guy this coming week, and we'll see. I feel like people do a lot of growing up in their 20s. He might be an infant. But he's hot so whatev.


Evan didn't have a lot of input about my dating life.

But he does think that I'm allowed to continue talking to all these different dudes until someone actually wants an official relationship. I'm concerned that the eHarmony boys will cry if they realize how many of them there actually are.

In any case, more updates later in the week following meeting 1-2 of these dudes.

I'm sure I'll have lots of feelings to talk about.

Ridiculous.

The "Spark" and the "V.I.P."

It just occurred to me that this whole online dating thing, while it provides options, removes all the fun of meeting someone unexpectedly and having that "spark."



There are few moments in life that are better then the unexpected spark. I'm not talking about people you're just attracted to...that happens often enough. I'm talking about the genuine chemical reaction that happens when you meet someone that does it for you in EVERY (or nearly every) way. There's something about having the person in front of you, making eye contact, and getting a feel for what kind of energy and vibe they have. Its also an opportunity to build chemistry and really make a connection. And the thing about it is...it doesn't happen often for me AT ALL. Maybe twice in my life.

I never like anyone when I first meet them. I meet guys all the time...nine times out of ten I make friends with them, and don't give them a second thought. Maybe I just love making new friends, maybe its an iron-clad defense mechanism. Jury's still out on that one. Anyway, over time, I'll start to decide that maybe I like some random guy I'm friends with...I'll slowly and gradually figure out that they don't suck and that they are date-able.

But by then, most guys are all set with me and have settled into the friendship option.

Which is where online dating comes in.

This way, I get to decide that I like the guy BEFORE I meet him, hopefully breaking my track record of deciding to have a crush on people 3 months after I meet them.
Because it seems to me that men work entirely differently than I do. They make snap decisions fairly quickly on whether you're attractive and/or dateable, test the waters, and make the move. If the move doesn't work, MOST of the time, they move on.


And then there's me, Miss Slow-on-the-Uptake, figuring out some six months later that maybe I'm interested.



It's a problem.


So I'm trying to give lots of different types of men a chance. Instead of doing what I normally do, which is write them off immediately. This is ultimately a good thing for me, but in the meantime it has resulted in dates with Jersey & Vegetarian, both of whom I would normally not have said yes to going out with. I'm sticking with it, because this is an experiment, and I can't randomly quit a summer-long online dating trial just because I'm creeped out by guys online.

Peace out for now...



P.S. Today I received a V.I.P. email on Match.com. V.I.P. stands for...wait for it...


VERY. INTERESTED. PERSON.


Inside the body of the email, "Hi. My name is ****. I am interested in getting to know you."

It seems redundant.
Now I know two things about this guy. His name, and the fact that he is both interested, and VERY interested.



I think maybe I'm too sarcastic for online dating.

The Case of the Disappearing Man

Random Trend of the Moment: the hit-and-run guy



What is with these guys initiating contact then disappearing?


Scenario: I receive some kind of communication from some dude, "SeemsNormal10". Maybe he "winks" at me. (Which I hate, by the way, its like the romantic equivalent of throwing crap at someone)... or better yet, an EMAIL. This guy seems surprisingly normal, his photo doesn't look like a mugshot, and he says something socially appropriate like, "You seem like an interesting person, I'd like to get to know you better. Hope to hear from you."

This is the Match.com pot-o-gold, because this guy seems normal. Some of these men will actually send you an email with the subject heading "Don't delete this please."


So you can understand the enthusiasm when someone DOESN'T seem socially awkward.




In this case, I actually might enjoy chatting with someone. Tell them about myself, blah, blah, blah. DON'T mention that I write a blog about online dating (it's a turn-off. Go figure.) You get it. This guy emails consistently, asking all these interested questions...a lot of times even saying that they want to meet up, right? And then, one day...


Disappeared.


Sometimes it takes me a day or two to notice, because I'm an online dating deadbeat and don't always keep up...BUT...what happened? My theories are as follows:

1) They started dating someone else, which, let's be honest, I could just as easily do to them, so no harm no foul.
2) They were not interested in me anymore (which is weird considering at this point we've never met)
3) Double hand amputation (unable to type)
4) Generalized laziness
5) They realized that random sex wasn't an option on the table
6) They died

I don't really know what to say about it except it's weird.



Still though, its random right? I mean, we're talking guys that are ALL about talking. They initiate, they keep the convo going even when I get lazy and take days off...and then all of a sudden...BAM! Into thin air.


Lesson learned: Online dating provides lots of options but also lots of opportunities to limp out of things, never to be seen or heard from again. And until I meet a guy, I assume I might never see or hear from him after that.


...Maybe they found out about the blog.



Oops.

Clash of the Titans: Match.com Vs. eHarmony

Despite being a super fun chick who meets random and undesirable men at bars, I decided that I would commit to trying online dating for three months. I figure that's a solid span of time to decide how I feel about the whole thing. Let me just put this on the table...

...eHarmony and Match.com...

VERY DIFFERENT EXPERIENCES.


Match.com is basically a plethora of random men who decide they like your "profile." (And by profile, I mean that they want to do you.) Now I'm sure that there are genuine men on there...actually I think I've already met a couple of them...but there's also "Random Guy 56" who takes a shirtless picture of himself in front of his summer home and tells you he finds you "incredibly sexy."



Then, as you're puking in your mouth, some other dude who is 67 and looking for a traveling companion WINKS* at you, which is the Match.com equivalent of "I'm not sure I'm interested but you don't suck so this is the least time-consuming thing I can do to contact you." It's the virtual equivalent of an emoticon smiley-face, except most of the time...it doesn't make you smile...you just cringe and pretend like it didn't happen.


Now eHarmony is a WHOLE different animal. This time, you're matched based on "29 dimensions of compatibility." I don't really know what that means, but ONE thing it means is that there are more guys my age that are matched with me...score one for eHarmony. However, you aren't able to really "search" for matches like on match.com. Score one for Match.

Plus, I'm not gonna lie...I'm sort of afraid the eHarmony guys want to be married. Like tomorrow. And I'm open to the relationship thing, I just don't think I need to be settling down and buying a rocking chair to die in just yet. Not sure I'm ready for that.


Then again, the eHarmony guys are much more attentive overall. Ultimately, you get more of an ego-boost from eHarmony. Though to be fair, the sheer volume of men on Match.com is enough to make any single woman believe that there are more fish in the sea.



Let me end this post with a moment on my soapbox.
The answer to your question YES.

I DO post a full-body shot on both websites.



And frankly, I'm mildly annoyed when men don't do the same thing. I want people to know what they're getting into. Its not like I have anything to hide...I'm actually pretty sure the full body shot helps (It always does when you're hot) but why don't men feel the same courtesy is required?

I'm trying to screen out the guys with chicken legs just like you're trying to screen out guts and saddlebags.


Final Score: Undecided.
First site to get me a keeper wins.

Until then...let the games begin.

What the Hell?

So Day 1 of this blogging adventure does not mean I've just starting going on dates. I've been on some all right.

I wouldn't say they've been epic, but seriously, what do you expect?

The summer of online dating wasn't something I planned...it was a totally spontaneous reaction to yet another shady and underwhelming experience at the bar. This random guy started talking to me. I think the guy might have been wearing sunglasses. At night. In the bar. Like a creeper. And I thought to myself? REALLY? This is my option? I'm not everyone's cup of tea but I'm HOT? What the hell is this???

...And the summer of online dating was born.


It should be said right off the bat that I have no idea what I'm doing. Dating-wise. Especially ONLINE dating-wise. I don't know what to expect, how to act, or whether or not I even care. I mean, part of me thinks it should all be natural, right? If you're gonna click with someone, it should just work...no games should be necessary.

Let me tell you what...even the guys that say they don't play games...want you to play games.
They want you to act coy, let them chase you. I get it, but...

SCREW THAT.

If I want to text someone, I do. Doesn't mean I'm in love, just means I had something to say. And I'm not sure this girl has a "coy" setting. I don't giggle. I don't bat my eyelashes. Sometimes when I laugh I snort. That's WHO I AM!

...ah, but I digress.


I've been on a handful of date-like meetings in the last few weeks. It's been INTERESTING.

Let's start with Vegetarian. (I've named these men by distinctive characteristics so its easier to keep straight). I asked him if he likes to be outdoors and trying new things. He said, "Its hard to do much of anything when you can't be away from your phone for more than 10 minutes."

FAIL.
(it should also be noted that he kept his cell phone on the table the entire time.)



Next, I went out for ice cream with a guy that was really nice on the phone. But when I got there...I was horrified.

He wore a JERSEY on a DATE.

Like a basketball jersey. With a t-shirt underneath. Like a 13 year old boy. And athletic shorts. And he didn't shave.

...And the craziest part is...

JERSEY liked me! I was not interested AT ALL. I wanted nothing to do with this guy romantically. I was polite, but barely interested. And he liked me! Because men are TWISTED and want you NOT to like them!

Whatever. I sent Jersey an email because I felt bad.

FAIL.



That brings us to the biggest fail of all. Maybe it was my own. Not sure.

I was actually interested in this one guy. Rugby. Didn't really realize I was that interested until we went on the date. He was the first guy I really talked to online so I took it slow...we emailed, then texted, called...finally, after 3 weeks of constant talking, we go on this date-ish thing where we meet up. It goes great, or at least I thought it did.

But I guess my lack of experience sort of screwed me over.

I didn't realize that AFTER the date was different than BEFORE the date. I texted Rugby the same way I would have before (I wanted him to think I was interested, of course) and everything seemed fine...until...

I realized that I have a hard time liking ANYONE openly. (Apparently I'm a hot mess when it comes to opening myself up and being vulnerable, go figure)


So I started freaking out...thinking, does this guy actually like me? Because if he doesn't...I need to cut and run NOW.

I started wondering why he wasn't texting/calling...something I didn't stress about at ALL before. Literally. We talked for 3 weeks and I never had a second thought about it.

And here I am...freaking out, because I'm afraid to like someone who doesn't like me...and in the process I pushed him away.


BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO DATE SOMEONE THEY THINK IS PSYCHO.

Its sad too. Because I'm so not psycho. I'm actually pretty low-key with that kind of stuff.


So, lesson learned. Moved on from that, but at least it taught me something about myself. I'm going to try to play the game. Even though its not who I am. I need to learn how to do this. So that when the right person comes along, HE doesn't think I'm a psycho.


Now if guys would stop wearing basketball jerseys on dates and being lame vegetarians maybe we could get somewhere.